Category Archives: Styles of Parenting

There is life for moms after kids…

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Noteworthy Wednesday!

Bethenny Frankel, who originally came to public attention as a contestant on the Martha Stewart version of “The Apprentice” and then as a Real Housewife of New York, has used the drama of pregnancy and early motherhood to star in two subsequent reality shows, “Bethenny Getting Married?” and now “Bethenny Ever After.” Even Nicole Polizzi, Snooki of “Jersey Shore” infamy, is getting on the gravy train, promoting a line of toddler shoes along with a new reality gig, “Snooki and Jwoww vs. the World.”

via Farewell, Dr. Spock. Hello, Snooki. – NYTimes.com.

For most celebrities there is life ever after having babies…celebs and their kids appear in every weekly magazine, some willingly with staged photo shoots and some, not so willingly, as they play or shop with their kids and are caught by the paparazzi, who stalk them without relent.

It now seems that many celebs are marketing lines of kids clothing…reality shows and anything that will make money for them…which truly is just about anything.

What about regular moms?

There are many moms out there who have chosen to blog about themselves and their kids. Many of these blogs contain some pretty personal stuff.

Some mom blogs are a reality show of sorts, complete with pictures and stories of their family’s day to day comings and goings.

In many cases, moms and even dads have become “ambassadors” for products. They use their kids and themselves to promote all kinds of things…from food, toys, clothes, brand stores and various other sundry things that they use in their daily lives.

This has become a way to make money and for some, it allows them to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) or SAHD (stay at home dad). Although, it seems that some of the moms, whose blogs I follow, spend a fair amount of time away from their children either out of the house promoting themselves or unavailable at home while working online with social media promotions.

I am not sure what this says about today’s moms…either the celeb moms, who involve their kids in reality shows or the mom bloggers. who involve their kids in reality blogs.

When you think about it these young children have really nothing to say about their involvement in their moms work…they are pictured on the internet and on television without any say…how will they feel as they get older and see themselves in the media?

This is a relatively new territory that is being charted for kids by their parents. In my opinion, there are boundaries here that should be considered.

I guess you could say that the jury is out on this issue…how much should we as parents and grandparents share of our children and grandchildren online and in social media?

Do we all just want at least our own 15 minutes of fame for ourselves and our kids?

 

Attention: Grandma and Grandpa…

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“Tummy time” and “Back to Sleep” weren’t part of the playbook when Ginny Fountain gave birth a generation ago. This expectant grandma’s got a lot to learn about newborns, which is how Fountain, 64, wound up in a grandparenting class offered earlier this month at a hospital in Seattle.

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But as it turns out, learning about all the new developments is actually the easy part; what’s trickier is figuring out how to play a supporting role and how not to bigfoot the new parents. If you think the birth of a grandchild is an opportunity to show off what you know, think again. The I-raised-you-and-you-turned-out-okay argument doesn’t cut it anymore. “Parents are very smart today,” Peel cautions her class.

via Grandparenting 101: Teaching Grandma and Grandpa About Modern Parenting | Healthland | TIME.com.

Grandparenting styles are something I often think about. I am a maternal child nurse and a social worker specializing in children. That being said…it is difficult for me to keep my mouth shut in my role as grandmother.

So that is one of the reasons I began writing  “parenting in the loop“. It gives me a voice and helps me understand the depth and width of parenting in 2012,  some thirty years after I began my journey as a mother.

Mothering and parenting have always been learning experiences. At times the learning  learning curve is a steep one. We had Dr.T. Berry Brazelton, who was preceded by Dr. Spock. They were the physician experts in the 60’s  70’s and 80’s.

But oh …how times have changed …with the advent of the internet, we are all able to share our experiences and personal preferences when it comes to parenting. The information is more than abundant, so it is no wonder that today’s generation of parents can have problems when their parents say,”we did it this way and you turned out okay”!

Here are my simple recommendations for grandparents:

  • Take a grandparenting class prior to the arrival of your first grandchild (even if your kids turned out okay).
  • If there are no ‘grandparenting classes’…go ahead and sign up for a parenting class like the one at your local hospital.
  • Learn how to listen to your children about their parenting preferences.
  • Incorporate your child’s parenting style into your grandparenting style.
  • Respect your grandchild’s parents…listen…think before you make comments or suggestions…smile often.
  • Visit some of the mommy blogs to become familiar with contemporary parenting styles.
  • Enjoy the heck out of your grandchildren.

 

 

Week in Review…Parenting in the Loop…

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Some reading for the weekend…articles I want to share…ENJOY!

Peace of mind for working mothers who have to travel comes in all sorts of forms. While working fathers who go away on business may use some of the same tactics, mothers are often the ones laying out their children’s skating outfits and freezing extra dinners before they leave town.

 There has been some juggling — my baby-sitter needs to know that one child is going to a friend’s house this afternoon, and two other children will be staying home, instead of playing at a friend’s, because the logistics felt like they weren’t worth it (the baby-sitter’s got her own three kids, as well as mine, to juggle tonight).

Infant vaccinations can be a distressing experience for both parent and child. But new research suggests that parents can lessen the sting of an injection by soothing their babies with a quick series of comforting measures, including a popular technique called swaddling..

If you are reading this I hope you are enjoying Parenting in the Loop’s redesigned site. I appreciate you reading and following. You are great! …..Lorette

Mommy Wars…No Cease Fire Near…

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Mommy Wars …No Cease Fire Near!

April 25, 2012 by lorettelavine | Edit

Mommy wars...very much in the news.

I have never really dwelled much on the external and internal ‘mommy wars’ that most of us moms experience daily.

Though lately, these ongoing cold wars have been hard to ignore.

In the past couple of weeks SAHM(stay at home moms) were criticized when Mitt Romney‘s wife came under fire for being a SAH privileged mother who could not relate to working moms, who were in the workforce because they had bills which they could not pay if they did not work.

SAHM are accused of not working…or at least not balancing a job outside the home. Working mothers are seen as more fiscally aware. It is women against women in this seemingly never ending battle.

This is not the only ongoing ‘mommy war’.

There are several other mommy wars being waged… the breastfeeding moms vs. the formula feeding moms…the attached moms vs. the not so attached moms…the cry it out sleep training moms v.s the co-sleeping moms …women against women.

If these wars aren’t enough, now there is a book on the real and virtual shelves examining another woman’s war.

It is the internal war that moms face in the age of too much information and the pressure bombarded upon themselves from all that information.

It seems moms are warring with each other trying to be  ”natural” mothers …cloth diapers, elimination communication, breast-feeding until their child is in school and so on. These moms seem to be warring within themselves as well… the natural mom vs. the feminist mom.

” If we absorb a message that to breastfeed on demand, to protect one’s children from all dubious chemical exposures, and to take on full responsibility for their physical and psychological health at all times are crucial to our children’s well-being, then does that message also push women away from the work force, and back into the realm of home and family?

Motherlode Book Club: Elisabeth Badinters The Conflict. Has Motherhood Replaced Sexism in Oppressing Women? – NYTimes.com.

It is the war to end all wars, the one ‘to have everything and do everything not just well but perfectly well’.

Elisabeth Badinter’s book, “The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women,” is guaranteed to feed that fire. Not only does she believe that the best course of action for any woman, no matter what her maternal status, is to stay in the work force, but she also argues that the women who have chosen to do otherwise have essentially been sold a bill of goods.Influenced and deceived by the modern natural-parenting movement — with its labor-intensive breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and requirement that infants be properly stimulated and nurtured at all times — mothers “choose” to stay home because if they do not, they cannot meet the standards of this new ideal.

via Motherlode Book Club: Elisabeth Badinters The Conflict. Has Motherhood Replaced Sexism in Oppressing Women? – NYTimes.com.

One of the worst failures of feminism has been its tendency to alienate men. Ms. Badinter sees men as the victors and women as the victims of this trend, but women are the perpetrators and both mothers and fathers are losers.

via Book Review: The Conflict – WSJ.com.

Are we mothers and women so conflicted about our roles that we are victims of our own internal war?

Are we being undermined by Modern Motherhood?

I am one of those  women who tried to have it all…I thought as a nurse I would be able to accomplish this because I would always be employable. For numerous reasons that was the case … due to relocating three times, caring for my own family…caring for my elderly mother, and caring for my own health needs. Reasons beyond my control took me out of the workforce on and off for the last thirty years.

I was also not a warrior feminist. I fully supported women’s rights but not to the point of alienating men.

I worked primarily with physicians, who were mostly men in the early 70′s. In fact I married one, whom I met in the workplace. It was a different world at that time inNYC.

Fortunately, back in my day…in the NYC academic hospital settings nurses and doctors were encouraged to work in a collegial atmosphere so it was not necessary, at least in my eyes, to draw territorial lines and assert myself as a feminist. It was simple…I needed to be the best professional nurse I could be and respect in the workplace followed.

Now I know this was not the case for most other women in the workplace at that time…I did not have to look far to find women who were suffering. My mother was a single parent and never experienced equality in the workplace…which was one of the deciding factors in my decision to become a Bachelor’s degree prepared nurse at a time when they were few and far between.

I was very young…our country was at war (Vietnam) and there were anti-war protests everywhere…it was a time when you had to pick your battles.

Today the ‘mommy wars’ disturb me immensely because I see women fighting among themselves and thus weakening what could be a very strong alliance. I guess I am older and hopefully somewhat wiser.

Can we as women accept other women’s choices as just that and focus on the real issues at hand?

Wouldn’t a change in our attitudes serve our children just as well and enable us all to be ‘natural moms’ and feminists in one way or another?

Just some thoughts…

A Controversial Essay And A Variety Of Responses

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DISCUSS: ARE CHINESE MOTHERS BETTER PARENTS?

A Controversial Essay And A Variety Of Responses

By Eric Messinger

via A Controversial Essay And A Variety Of Responses.

“Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom” certainly has received much press this week and criticism is surrounding the author and her book.

Whether you agree or not with “Chinese Parenting” in my opinion, it is always interesting to read about how other cultures view parenting and the parent-child relationship.

A book like this one should make you question some of the things that you do as a parent and perhaps give  you a deeper understanding of why you adhere to certain beliefs about how parenting should be done.

Criticism is good when it stimulates more questions and answers. It is an effort in futility when it merely stands alone.

Chinese Parenting….

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Noteworthy Wednesday!

 

 

Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior – WSJ.com.

Chinese children will never:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

via Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior – WSJ.com.

Have you ever wondered why Asian children excel in academics and music?
Well, there is an emphasis on academics and the performing arts which is unlike the emphasis on sports and other activities which is often seen in “Western” parenting.
According to the Wall Street Journal article….Chinese parents “understand that nothing is fun until you are good at it”.
In order to be good at something you have to work at it hence you must practice piano if you are to be good at it…you must practice writing if you are to be a good writer. We all know that children rarely like to practice so if this practicing is going to happen the parents must override the child’s desire to do something else.
It seems that if you are not permitted television or computer games nor can you choose your own extracurricular activities and cannot have a play-date or be in a school play then there is not much else to do but study, read and practice the violin and piano which are the chosen instruments in this culture.
Chinese parents according to the WSJ article use shaming if a child is disrespectful by actually calling their child “garbage”. According to the author, she knew what her parents meant and such criticism did not damage her self esteem. She attributes this to the fact that she was always given much praise for her accomplishments for her tenacious practice and her excellent academics. This is what built her confidence. When a child excels in a not so fun activity…it makes the activity fun in the long run. Now the parent has succeeded in getting the child to work even more.

The author goes on to point out three major differences between Chinese and Western parents.

  • Western parents are very concerned with their child’s self -esteem and try to reassure their children no matter how they perform. They view their child’s psyche as fragile where Chinese parents do not. Chinese parents will use “shaming” and assume that their child is strong enough to take and thus improve upon their performance.
  • Western parents do not believe for the most part that their children owe them anything, whereas the Chinese parents believe their children owe them everything possibly based on Confucian piety.
  • Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children. This is why they make choices for them. Western parents sometimes feel this way but tend to acknowledge the child’s preferences.

The author makes a final statement which really summarizes it all:

“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”