Weekend Pics from Parenting in the Loop

Weekend Pics from Parenting in the Loop

Do you know what the “growth mind set” mean? I wasn’t quite sure but this post explains the emphasis on learning not just the goal. Do you agree?

That’s far from the real message of the research surrounding the growth mind-set. The exclusive focus on effort has been misplaced, says Dr. Dweck, whose book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” delivered the phrase into popular culture. The emphasis should be on learning as an active process, not a goal. “We’re not just saying ‘effort’ anymore,” she says. “We also talk about using good strategies and getting help from others.” Part of a growth mind-set is being willing to learn how best to learn. “Parents may be familiar with the growth mind-set, but they may be using it toward the goal of the next test grade or school application. That’s not what it is. It’s about learning and improving and loving the process. Those other things come about as a byproduct.”

Source: ‘Nice Try!’ Is Not Enough – The New York Times

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As we get older it is harder to make “people connections” . There are some things that can help with the feeling of being lonely.  Gretchen Rubin has some suggestions in this post which is helpful to keep from being lonely even if you are alone. This is a great read for those stuck inside this weekend during “Snowmaggedon2016”.

One major challenge within happiness is loneliness. The more I’ve learned about happiness, the more I’ve come to believe that loneliness is a terrible, common, and important obstacle to consider.
Source: Lonely? 5 Habits to Consider to Combat Loneliness. | Gretchen Rubin

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As a clinical social worker I am in love with the concept and theory known as the “Good Enough Mother” developed my Winnicott. Our failures actually help our kids. You will enjoy this post.

 

Each time we let our children down, and they get through it, they get just a little bit stronger. That is the gift of the good enough mother, and it’s time we all embrace it.

Source: The Gift of the Good Enough Mother | Seleni Institute

This weekend here in Chicago we are escaping “Snowmaggedon2016”. I have to say that I am happy about our weather even if it has been bitter cold. This week we have been in a deep freeze with a smattering of snow almost every day. After many years here in the midwest it is still something that comes along with winter that I could definitely do without.

I hope that all of my friends and everyone in the East stays safe this weekend during this horrible blizzard. It is not just the snow accumulation it is the wind and storm surge along the coastline that makes this storm so dangerous.

Please be safe and warm everyone!

Are you an unhappy parent???

Did having children change your level of happiness?

What a loaded question!

Ever since reading the articles listed below and then Lisa Belkin’s post about why these studies about parental happiness are wrong, I have been mulling this question over in my head.

I always remember hearing from early on in adulthood, that if your marriage was already in trouble and you were not as happy as you thought you could be, adding a child into the equation would not necessarily help an already problematic situation.

That being said, when I had my first child it was only a few months after our first wedding anniversary. Both my husband and I had been through a very stressful year. On my side of the marriage was, illness of very close family members, which took a toll on me emotionally. We both started new jobs and moved to South Florida’s  rural Treasure Coast after living our entire lives in the New York and Boston metro areas. This was a total culture shock for both of us. To add to it, we had no family in Florida However, my mother was planning to relocate with my grandmother to the city north of us. My grandmother died just prior to the move which left me and my mother devastated.

In addition, I had some pretty serious medical issues which made my pregnancy “high risk” so we traveled to Miami (2 hours away) for all of my prenatal visits. Leaving my obstetrician in New York was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I secretly planned in my head to go back to NYC to deliver my baby up until my last trimester.

Finally I came to my senses and registered to deliver at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. It was a great hospital but left much to be desired when it came to mom’s creature comforts.

When I gave birth to my daughter…I was ecstatic! There was no post partum depression for me. All the sadness was behind me. It was winter in South Florida, the sun was shining and I was beaming. I had waited a long time to become a mother.

Fast forward two years…I delivered another little girl, again at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami…I could not have been happier. Oh…my medical problems continued with heart flutters etc. so no more pregnancies were advised. It was a momentary sadness. It did not take me long to realize that two children less than two years apart was going to keep me pretty busy for a very long time.

There were many moments between then and now that I have to say I experienced some unhappiness as a parent. Parenting was not easy and it still isn’t. Both my husband and I came from different religious and cultural backgrounds so that had its advantages and disadvantages. We worked out the “December Dilemma” and our respective families went along with the traditions and memories we were making for our family of four.

As I look back now…I was for the most part always happy…my glass is forever half full…I have never had a half empty glass that I can remember. For that I am thankful and feel blessed.

My mother died 11 years ago and my only sibling died 6 years ago, those were difficult losses to bear but my children and husband have been there for me.

It is difficult for me to even think about a life without having had my children and now I am fortunate to be a grandmother. Becoming a grandparent has made my life fuller than I could ever have imagined.

I now understand how my grandmother felt taking care of me and how my mother felt taking care of my girls. Life has come full circle in so many ways.

No matter what the studies say…I have a hard time believing that so many parents are unhappy being parents.

Maybe their expectations of parenthood are too high and thus happiness escapes them.

I  truly feel for them.

What are your experiences and feelings about this discussion?       

 

 

 

 

 

Lisa Belkin: Why So Many Studies About Parents And Happiness Are Wrong.

Does Having Children Make You Unhappy? – NYTimes.com.

Happy news on happiness; what can we believe? « Statistical Modeling, Causal Inference, and Social Science.

Top 10 Reasons Parents Are Happier Than Non-Parents | Strollerderby.

Happy Families – How to be a Happy Family – Parenting.com.

Parents and Happiness are they mutually exclusive?

Did becoming parents make you unhappy???

I inadvertently published this link on my old website…So I am re-posting here.

This is such an interesting question to me. I will be discussing this in my head totally from a  hindsight perspective.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post when I post my own answer.

I hope you will join me with your comments!