“Toast Tuesday”…Parenting in the Loop

TOAST TUESDAY…

This week I am toasting Lisa Sunbury…and her blog “Regarding Baby”

Lisa and Magda

She is gifted in the way she approaches parenting children and her understanding of RIE and the work of Magda Gerber.

See what you think for yourselves and let me know some of your thoughts.

About Regarding Baby:

The word Regard has several meanings; a protective interest, a feeling of respect and affection.One of my most important teachers, Magda Gerber, often talked about helping parents and caregivers to see babies with “New Eyes.” Since my area of expertise is infants and toddlers and I focus on helping parents learn to relax and slow down, do less, and to respect and respond to their baby’s needs through sensitive observation, Regarding Baby seemed to make perfect sense as a name.

 

RIE Certified child educator Lisa Sunbury & RIE founder Magda Gerber

About Lisa: I have dedicated my life to caring for, supporting, and advocating for infants, toddlers, and their parents. I have over twenty years experience working in the field of Early Childhood Education, in a variety of roles.

via About.

“Detachment Parenting”…really??

Every now and then we need a spoof…Right?

Well, this one is good.

Of course, like Dr. Sears, I can only offer “Tools.  Not rules.” And each family is so different.  But what’s great about DP is you can adjust the levels of benign neglect to suit your own family’s needs.

via The latest child-rearing fad? Detachment parenting – TODAYMoms.

My Take…

If we are all just a bit honest we just might agree that “benign neglect” has its place in the world of parenting.

What does DP or BNP (Benign Neglect Parenting) look like on any given day in your house.?

I have to stretch my brain to remember back when my now adult girls were little ones, and my house was more chaotic than it is now as a caregiving grandparent.

Here goes my valiant effort to remember…

  • My rule of thumb was that if my kids were screaming I did not intervene, unless I heard a blood curdling scream or one of my kids was actually bleeding.  Unfortunately, my husband did not necessarily have the same rule nor could he tolerate the level of screaming that I was accustomed to on a daily basis.
  • I  remember not getting too upset about accidents unless there were serious injuries…my work in pediatric nursing blunted me to small bumps and scratches. I acknowledged to my children that small injuries were uncomfortable and painful but they would get better with little or no attention paid to them…no surprise,  they always did!
  • We did not co-sleep…it was not too popular “back in the day” anyways!
  • We did not baby wear…at all…I had never heard of such a thing…but then again Dr. Sears was nowhere around at the time.
If I had to describe my parenting “back in the day” I would say that it was very much a mixture of all that I knew at the time… I was a little bit DP*, a little BNP*, a little AP*… a Traffic Copter* not a Black Hawk*.
What I most remember, is that being a parent was my most important hat of all the hats that I wore at that time.
*Glossary:
DP=Detachment parenting
BNP=Benign neglect parenting
Traffic Copter Parent= hovers, not obnoxiously overbearing
Black Hawk Parent = hovers, obnoxiously overbearing.

Ripples of Child Molestation…

Child Molestation is a Crime | Kid Scoop.

I read this post yesterday and it made me sad and angry.

Today, I am listening to the Penn State sexual abuse scandal being reported in the morning news as the Sandusky trial is beginning to get under way… so many thoughts are running through my head.

As a social work and nursing student, I saw more child abuse/sexual abuse than I ever wanted to witness. It was very sad and disturbing.  At that time in my life, my feelings of sadness did not overwhelm me because I was involved in caring for these little victims. But today, as I write the words “little victims” it feels like a knife is stabbing me in the heart.

These “little victims”are innocent children until an ” adult”  robs them of the feeling of safety. Some are robbed of their  innocence by other “children” such as cousins or friends who are not technically “adults”. Sad…very sad.

My own mother was “molested” as a young girl in the 1920’s in Brooklyn, NY…she was doing an errand for her own mother, when a shop keeper exposed himself to her. That event affected my mother, my grandmother, me, my children and on and on…

I was warned of stranger danger as a young child…as early as I can remember…my grandmother told me to tell her of anything “strange” and to be careful on my way to and from school. In the 50’s and 60’s we walked to school through a large park in Yonkers, NY. Parks were places where “things” could happen…”caution and be aware”…all warnings from my grandmother.

When my own girls were young…I suspected even parents of their schoolmates …I know this is sick…Right?  But when my kids would repeat some “off color sexual” jokes that their “school mates” would recount after hearing these jokes supposedly from their parents, the hair  would stand up on the back of my neck.

As a young mother, I remember being keenly aware of situations that made me uncomfortable, while at the same time trying not to alarm my kids. I was always trying to keep communication open….not easy…believe me.

Now… I have been talking mostly about girls…nothing is to say that boys are not equally at risk for child molestation. My thoughts are that Penn State has certainly brought this into the forefront or has it? Some of my young therapy patients were young boys who were molested by their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, cousins or their mom’s friends. Some of these molestations were covered up by moms, who, for various reasons, refused to believe what their children were telling them … denial…at its worst.

As Meghan Gesswein states in her post …Child Molestation is a Crime …it takes away innocence….it changes lives all around.

Child molestation causes ripples that keep going and never cease, just like the ripples of the tide on the shore.

Sometimes, the ripples will become tidal waves and do some irreparable damage…other times, the ripples will just quietly erode the beach, seemingly without notice.

My hope is to support people like Meghan, who share their stories and provide a place where others can also share how certain “life” storms changed the flow of their lives forever.

How Being Molested as a Child has Shaped the way I Parent.

“Toast Tuesday”…Parenting in the Loop

This weeks “Toast Tuesday”  is a new blog that I follow… “MamaEve“.

Suchada Eickemeyer is a wonderful mom from California, who blogs about natural parenting.

I was not a “natural parent” but that was thirty years ago … there were many circumstances “back in the day” that would make me not a natural parent by today’s standards.

However, it would be fair to say,  I was the best parent I knew how to be at the time, with the knowledge that was available to me. Admittedly, I am still not onboard with delivering at home… simply because I have seen too many disasters that would have not been good outcomes if they had occurred outside of the hospital.

I am not arguing that hospital births are never mismanaged or that home births should be banned…what I am saying is that home births make me uncomfortable.

Suchada shares her experiences in such a way that she makes me feel comfortable with her decisions for herself…most importantly, she is not critical of other moms and their decisions.

Her respect for other points of view is what makes her such a great recommendation and my choice for “Toast Tuesday”!

I write about natural parenting — from healthy pregnancy to gentle discipline and everything in between. I advocate for midwives, home birth, breastfeeding, keeping boys intact, and other peaceful/gentle parenting methods, but I’m first and foremost an advocate for respecting different points of view.

 Mama Eve Parenting Library: birth, breastfeeding, discipline, & health.

Week in Review…Parenting in the Loop

Lessons in parenting something all of us can enjoy and they are useful too!

A daughter is special and so is a son but this is a list a mom wrote for her daughter…sweet.

On Saturday morning as I helped JD get dressed for a birthday party, he, out of nowhere, said, “Mommy, a boy and a boy can’t get married.” I didn’t skip a beat. “Ah, yes, they can!” I said, as I pulled the t-shirt over his head. When his little face was revealed he said, “No, Mom, you’re wrong!”

I hope you have a wonderful summer weekend….I know it is still Spring but school is out, so for me, that is “unofficial” summer!   🙂

Week in Review – Parenting in the Loop…”Christine Coppa is Back”

Today is June 1 ….so Christine Coppa is back with a new blog at Babble-Kids.

She will be my only recommendation in Week in Review…from Parenting in the Loop.

I have spoken of her in the past… she is remarkable and is so much more than a single mom…please join me in welcoming her to Babble-Kids.

Single Mom Blogger On Babble Kids | Kid Scoop.

Parenting in the Loop…Week in Review

Here are my pick reads for the week…

Have a nice weekend…

 

 

You could argue that women have never been able to easily access the “birthing experience” they desired. The old days of childbirth, fraught with risk to mother and baby, were followed by a variety of innovations, some more welcome than others. In her story on Ina May Gaskin and the home birth movement, “Mommy Wars: The Prequel,” in  this coming weekend’s New York Times Magazine, Samantha M. Shapiro writes that women once fought to move birth “out of the domain of midwives and the home and into the hospital:”

What do you do when you discover that diabetes is also a disease that strikes children even babies?

Do you feel like helping this little one when you watch this video? I did! #guilty

“I Really Don’t Trust Anyone, Sometimes”

Noteworthy Wednesday!

As a mom, I was very protective…yes I admit, I was one of those moms who sought not just to protect my children but other children as well. I guess I still am “that” mom and now “that” grandmother”

For example…

In the early 80’s my children went to a very nice elementary school in a small suburban village on the far south side of Chicago. All the schools entrance doors were open and accessible during the entire school day. It was bucolic town filled with the summer homes of the Illinois Central Railroad executives from “back in the day”. It is fair to say that the railroad went straight through the middle of town and stopped within walking distance of the grammar school.

Now..

On one end of the school were the younger kids, kindergarten and first graders…there was an unlocked door adjacent to the kindergarten so “room” moms could walk right in from the parking area. The other end of the school housed the older children 3rd through 6th grades and another couple of doors which were always unlocked to welcome visitors.

This lack of security was unacceptable to my New York City mentality, so I took it upon myself to speak to the Prinicpal about my concern for his “open door” policy. It was a perfect opportunity for an abduction in my eyes.

“Mrs. Lavine, it would be such an inconvenience for the parents to have to all come through the front door when they are picking up their children…I really don’t think that locking the doors is warranted.” My response was …”this is 1987, Mr. Deadbolt”.

Enter Laurie Dann…May 20th, 1988

On that day, Laurie Dann entered a grammar school in Winnetka, a north shore suburb of Chicago…she killed one young boy and wounded two girls and 3 boys before killing herself after taking a nearby family hostage after fleeing from the school.

You should not be surprised when I tell you that in the Fall of 1988 when our grammar school reopened, all the doors were locked and everyone had to check in after coming through the main entrance. A printed announcement went out to each child’s family saying that in light of the tragedy in Winnetka our school would   be secure.

Now, I am not one to say ” I told you so” and I wish that Laurie Dann had never taken a gun and shot innocent children at school where they are supposed to be safe but sometimes it takes a tragic event to stimulate people to take safety precautions.

That is how I felt when I read a recent post about the safety of sleepovers. WHAT SAFETY? When you have a group of kids the same age, together in your house, things tend to get out of hand rather quickly when the supervision drops off for even a short period of time. It is just a fact. Have you had that experience? Then why would anyone in their right minds want a group of kids sleeping over at their house ever…really?

Here is my one and only story about sleep overs. My niece came to live with us temporarily when she was in the 8th Grade…Junior High. That should already set up your antennae. She came home one day and asked if she could sleep over at a friends house. Mind you, we were living in the same town that I have already described…a sort of Mayberry if you will.

I had no idea what to say to her…so I called her mother and asked her what she thought, since I did not know the girl that well nor her family. I did know she was the youngest of three. She had two brothers in their twenties and her father was a bank president, as if that should make a difference. It was a mutual decision to let the sleep over take place. It went off without a hitch and all was well. I breathed a sigh of relief and hoped that I would never hear the word sleep over again in the near future.

Not too short a time passed and my niece came home from school to tell me that her girl friend’s father had killed himself. It was the same friend with whom she had spent the night.

The story goes this way…the father and one of the young girl’s brothers had a fight and the dad took a gun from the house, went  outside to the front yard and shot himself in the head…end of story. The family vacated the house and all was forever hush, hush in our bucolic suburb.

To say, I was stunned is an understatement. It became apparent that I had learned a great deal about how I felt about sleep overs before I really needed.  My uneasy feelings concerning them were suddenly and sadly validated.

You just do not know what goes on behind the closed doors of you neighbors and friends homes.

At the time my own children were only 2 years and 4 years old . Sleepovers had not even been a topic yet…we had no relatives nearby so my kids had only slept at home or with us in a hotel on vacation.

I also knew that children are molested often by family members or someone they know and trust. This scares me beyond anything I can rationally explain because as a nurse and clinical social worker I have seen the horrible harm that sexual abuse does to children.

My advice would be to not trust anyone with your kids until you can comfortably explain good touch, bad touch to them. They must be able to tell you anything and never be afraid of the consequences.

I know this is a very hard statement to read and it seems so OVERPRTOTECTIVE,,,and it is just that…but if you at least feel like you are overprotective and accept it, you will examine the potential hazards in situations where you think there are none and hopefully never have to deal with unforeseen situations.

Educate your children…give them what they need to protect themselves…start early and if you don’t know what to say or when to begin, do your homework get the information you need.

Do not look through rose colored glasses forever …don’t let your hidden fears become a disaster waiting to happen.

Are you basically trusting?

How trusting are you as a parent or grandparent?

Do you consider yourself protective or overprotective as a parent or grandparent?

Related Reading:

The Safety of Sleepovers: I Dont Trust Other Parents | BlogHer.

Sleep Over Nightmare

What Should You Do? Helping Children Protect Themselves in theTwenty-First Century by Melinda Reynolds Tripp

Toast Tuesday!

It’s Tuesday’s Toast to a favorite blogger of mine….Christine Coppa!

via”Christine Coppa on her Facebook page”

Christine is a young single mom, her son is almost five and about to start kindergarten in the Fall. She has an honest blog about raising her son without any involvement of his father. She has courageously written about her pregnancy in “Rattled” which has just been released as an audio book.

I love Christine’s book and blog…she really is one of my all time favorites…she tells it like it is with emotion and candor. I admire and respect her, and love the relationship she has with her son JD.

She has a great group of followers and their comments on her blog will let you know that she connects with her readers like none other.

She is active on Facebook and Twitter as well. Click and take a look/read for yourself.

About this BlogChristine Coppa is the author of the Target Breakout Book, Rattled! Broadway Books, 2009 and the founding blogger of glamour.coms Storked! blog. A professional writer/editor, shes contributed to GlamourMarie Claire Australia, First, In Touch, and Pregnancy magazine among other publications. Her work has been buzzed about in The New York TimesWall Street Journal and on ABCs 20/20. The Sunday London Times called her a writer “at the forefront of a wave of modern moms who are reinventing the parental publishing genre.” Coppa lives in North Jersey with her son Jack Domenic and has no problem admitting that her Marc Jacobs bag is often filled with Matchbox cars. Visit ChristineCoppa.net for more.

via Welcome To Mamas Boy – Parenting.com.

Week In Review…

A few of my favorite reads this week…

Parenting can be so damn stressful. Kids push boundaries and buttons, and it’s a parent’s job to stay calm and steady in the face of it all. But most of us don’t perform this job with absolute perfection. We sometimes and say things to our kids we wish we could stuff back inside our mouths.

The Safety of Sleepovers: I Dont Trust Other Parents | BlogHer

This headline really caught my eye because I really did not trust other parents with my children…it was something left with me long ago from my grandmother ,who raised me along with my mother. She was so wise. For as long as I remember, I knew this fact and never denied it and rarely argued it.

 Bedtime is always a challenge…I truly have never heard so many reasons why it is necessary to get out of bed once the routine is done, the goodnights are said and the lights are out save for the nightlight. I always feel super guilty if the reason given for getting out of bed is “I’m hungry, Neena” Quick and Healthy bedtime snacks will do away my guilt…take a look. Any other suggestions for keeping kids in bed after the “final good night kiss”.

I hope you have a nice weekend…we are staying close to home and away from the NATO Summit here in Chicago!