A “million” ways to soothe your infant…NOT!

Some days, I feel like there is nothing new under the sun! Do you ever feel that way?

In my 35+ years of practice as a maternal child nurse and reading as much as I do about parenting, this saying keeps resonating in my head…. “what is old is new again”.

We have made so many medical advances and now know how the brain lights up, as seen in a PET scan during moments of happiness, anger, and anxiety. The mind-body-spirit connection has finally been validated.

How does this and how should this affect the parenting of our children, beginning when they are in utero? The soothing of a fetus and newborn is of particular interest to me.

Just when I was convinced that I was in love with Dr. Harvey Karp‘s books “The Happiest Baby on the Block” and “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”  and his way of calming a crying newborn during the “fourth trimester”, a critical piece appeared on my Facebook page.

I  started to question my love of the Dr. Karp’s  5s’s. My feelings are an echo of what many new moms are feeling…who should moms believe? What philosophy of parenting works?

The “CALMS WAY” is just one of those soothing methods that jumped out of my computer a couple of weeks ago when I was reading a critical review of Dr. Karp’s 5s’s. I am still partial to Dr. Karp but I would try adding “self understanding and self calming to the 5s’s .

Parenting with Love is online magazine which supports the CALMS WAY…it is yet another site that can support new moms or add to their dilemma as to what to choose as their “Dr. Spock” or “Dr. T. Berry Brazelton” of 2012.

Moms, what do you think about the information age and all the parenting advice that is available?

How do you choose what to read and what methods to try?

How do you or how did you soothe your infant in the 4th trimester?

Are you overwhelmed with parenting philosophies?

Suggested reading:

Mommy Blogs and “TMI”

The New York Times declared her to be “Queen Of The Mommy Bloggers,” but it’s been fully a decade since Heather Armstrong started her blog, Dooce, lost her job because of it, and embraced not without difficulty motherhood — all in public view.

via Top 100 Mom Blogs — all the Best Mom Blogs, including Dooce.

MOMMY BLOGS AND “TMI”                                                                                                (Too much information)

Are too many kids making guest appearances on their mommy’s blog, on instagrams or on Facebook pages?

 

I find this a serious question and somewhat of a dilemma.

As to what is the right answer,  I am stumped.

How much is too much when it comes to exposing our personal life in photos and words online?

….Children are appearing in droves on social media. These appearances will be visible forever and ever…and it is not the fairytale forever and ever where all live happily ever after.

Blogs by moms are so popular especially if they are authentic and share honest feelings about motherhood…all that is good…all that is bad and even at times down right ugly. Sometimes the bad and the ugly win out when it comes to viewership which is what counts if you want to entice brands to advertise on your site and actually profit from your work.

Is this not  a type of exploitation of our children? And is it all bad?

I love photos and children’s photos are so innocent and beautiful without being posed…so why not share them? But do you ever wonder as I do, who actually is viewing your photos?

How tight should our boundaries be???  Should we be reconsidering how much  we  discuss our children online? Are there situations and anecdotes that do not belong on line in a blog?

A seasoned writer, whom I respect, recently said to me, “This generation is not afraid of the internet as our generation is and they are not as concerned with overall privacy“.

I struggle with privacy and boundaries whenever I write about family and children. Literally, I have thousands of photos uploaded from which I could draw, but I find myself searching “Flickr’s Creative Commons” for an appropriate picture.

I love reading the “Mommy Blogs“…many of them are so beautifully and sincerely written and when photos are included it just adds to their overall beauty and authenticity.

The questions that I have about our children’s privacy are important ones in my eyes. They are influenced by my social worker lens from which I view kids and boundaries.

I hope that you can help answer some of my questions and that my blog is a good balance of what I can share and what I feel is too personal to print.

 

Talking About Kids Online: Whats Too Much Information? | Strollerderby.

Toast Tuesdays!

phd in parenting is one of my favorite blogs.  If only I could blog and write like Annie!

She is very concerned about many parenting issues and when she talks about one these issues she is well informed and not afraid to share her opinion.

She is a champion for the environment, healthy children and moms, breast feeding and being ethical in business.

It is my hope that you will visit her blog …it is more than a worthwhile read.

She also has a sense of humor and on Mother’s Day her post is quite funny as she shares some precious moments with one of her children.

Enjoy…let men know if you love her as much as I do.

6 Reasons I Am NOT Mom Enough!

 In fact, after the TIME article this week… I am not sure that I want to be mom enough!

These are my reasons why I do not consider myself, “mom enough”!

  • I did not breast feed either one of my children…yes there was a medical reason and it was 30 years ago, but so what?
  • I did not co-sleep more than one month when my daughters were infants…we did “co-sleep” during thunderstorms when they were older.
  • I did not wear my children around the house in a baby sling in fact I did not even know what a baby sling was at that time…. 1980′s
  • I fed my children Beechnut baby food and Gerber baby food…I did not make my own until they were toddlers.
  • I never heard of Dr. Sears…I had a book by Dr. Spock, which I did not read…I received a Growth and Development newsletter each month in the mail.
  • I did not listen to my mother or my other relatives who tried to give advice because I knew enough and had friends around me that had infants and we figured it out together…well sort of…

I could go on… but after my kids’ meager beginnings it probably doesn’t matter what else I DID DO as they grew into adulthood.

However, I am happy to report.
  • They still talk to me and me to them.
  • We celebrate holidays together although it is nothing like the “Gathering“(Christmas with Ed Asner)…
  • We argue…we bicker…we hug and kiss…for the most part we respect each other.
And another thing,
  • I do not carry around guilt…
  • I realize that I did the best I could with what I knew and had to give at the time.
Related articles:

Toast to Thursday’s Blog

This week was a little bit out of order, but here is my toast to a blog that I think is  worthwhile one to follow.

Janet Lansbury is inspired by Magda Gerber, the woman, who encouraged parents to be “educators”.  She shares the essence of what it is to parent within the framework of Magda’s theories and RIE.

The RIE philosophy is based on respecting infants as if they were fully functioning, spending quality time with them, learning their individual ways of communicating, not treating infants like objects, involving infants in the things that concern them, being honest with infants, and allowing infants to try to solve a problem without adult interference.

via http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magda_Gerber

Below is an introduction to one of Janet Lansbury’s blogs…I hope you click on her link and continue to read her post…I am pretty certain you will enjoy it.

……………..

 

Infant expert Magda Gerber’s contributions to the lives of children are widely acclaimed by educators and child care professionals.  Less acknowledged is the tremendous gift her Educaring philosophy is to us. Magda’s theories not only make our job more enjoyable and successful they elevate the child care experience. They stretch us and engage our intellect, opening our eyes to a new view of infants, and of ourselves.

http://www.janetlansbury.com/

via Magda Gerber’s Gift To Grown-Ups – Parenting That Engages The Mind | Janet Lansbury.

There is life for moms after kids…

Noteworthy Wednesday!

Bethenny Frankel, who originally came to public attention as a contestant on the Martha Stewart version of “The Apprentice” and then as a Real Housewife of New York, has used the drama of pregnancy and early motherhood to star in two subsequent reality shows, “Bethenny Getting Married?” and now “Bethenny Ever After.” Even Nicole Polizzi, Snooki of “Jersey Shore” infamy, is getting on the gravy train, promoting a line of toddler shoes along with a new reality gig, “Snooki and Jwoww vs. the World.”

via Farewell, Dr. Spock. Hello, Snooki. – NYTimes.com.

For most celebrities there is life ever after having babies…celebs and their kids appear in every weekly magazine, some willingly with staged photo shoots and some, not so willingly, as they play or shop with their kids and are caught by the paparazzi, who stalk them without relent.

It now seems that many celebs are marketing lines of kids clothing…reality shows and anything that will make money for them…which truly is just about anything.

What about regular moms?

There are many moms out there who have chosen to blog about themselves and their kids. Many of these blogs contain some pretty personal stuff.

Some mom blogs are a reality show of sorts, complete with pictures and stories of their family’s day to day comings and goings.

In many cases, moms and even dads have become “ambassadors” for products. They use their kids and themselves to promote all kinds of things…from food, toys, clothes, brand stores and various other sundry things that they use in their daily lives.

This has become a way to make money and for some, it allows them to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) or SAHD (stay at home dad). Although, it seems that some of the moms, whose blogs I follow, spend a fair amount of time away from their children either out of the house promoting themselves or unavailable at home while working online with social media promotions.

I am not sure what this says about today’s moms…either the celeb moms, who involve their kids in reality shows or the mom bloggers. who involve their kids in reality blogs.

When you think about it these young children have really nothing to say about their involvement in their moms work…they are pictured on the internet and on television without any say…how will they feel as they get older and see themselves in the media?

This is a relatively new territory that is being charted for kids by their parents. In my opinion, there are boundaries here that should be considered.

I guess you could say that the jury is out on this issue…how much should we as parents and grandparents share of our children and grandchildren online and in social media?

Do we all just want at least our own 15 minutes of fame for ourselves and our kids?

 

Attention: Grandma and Grandpa…

 

Tummy time” and “Back to Sleep” weren’t part of the playbook when Ginny Fountain gave birth a generation ago. This expectant grandma’s got a lot to learn about newborns, which is how Fountain, 64, wound up in a grandparenting class offered earlier this month at a hospital in Seattle.

……………….

But as it turns out, learning about all the new developments is actually the easy part; what’s trickier is figuring out how to play a supporting role and how not to bigfoot the new parents. If you think the birth of a grandchild is an opportunity to show off what you know, think again. The I-raised-you-and-you-turned-out-okay argument doesn’t cut it anymore. “Parents are very smart today,” Peel cautions her class.

via Grandparenting 101: Teaching Grandma and Grandpa About Modern Parenting | Healthland | TIME.com.

Grandparenting styles are something I often think about. I am a maternal child nurse and a social worker specializing in children. That being said…it is difficult for me to keep my mouth shut in my role as grandmother.

So that is one of the reasons I began writing  “parenting in the loop“. It gives me a voice and helps me understand the depth and width of parenting in 2012,  some thirty years after I began my journey as a mother.

Mothering and parenting have always been learning experiences. At times the learning  learning curve is a steep one. We had Dr.T. Berry Brazelton, who was preceded by Dr. Spock. They were the physician experts in the 60’s  70’s and 80’s.

But oh …how times have changed …with the advent of the internet, we are all able to share our experiences and personal preferences when it comes to parenting. The information is more than abundant, so it is no wonder that today’s generation of parents can have problems when their parents say,”we did it this way and you turned out okay”!

Here are my simple recommendations for grandparents:

  • Take a grandparenting class prior to the arrival of your first grandchild (even if your kids turned out okay).
  • If there are no ‘grandparenting classes’…go ahead and sign up for a parenting class like the one at your local hospital.
  • Learn how to listen to your children about their parenting preferences.
  • Incorporate your child’s parenting style into your grandparenting style.
  • Respect your grandchild’s parents…listen…think before you make comments or suggestions…smile often.
  • Visit some of the mommy blogs to become familiar with contemporary parenting styles.
  • Enjoy the heck out of your grandchildren.

 

 

Week in Review…Parenting in the Loop…

Some reading for the weekend…articles I want to share…ENJOY!

Peace of mind for working mothers who have to travel comes in all sorts of forms. While working fathers who go away on business may use some of the same tactics, mothers are often the ones laying out their children’s skating outfits and freezing extra dinners before they leave town.

 There has been some juggling — my baby-sitter needs to know that one child is going to a friend’s house this afternoon, and two other children will be staying home, instead of playing at a friend’s, because the logistics felt like they weren’t worth it (the baby-sitter’s got her own three kids, as well as mine, to juggle tonight).

Infant vaccinations can be a distressing experience for both parent and child. But new research suggests that parents can lessen the sting of an injection by soothing their babies with a quick series of comforting measures, including a popular technique called swaddling..

If you are reading this I hope you are enjoying Parenting in the Loop’s redesigned site. I appreciate you reading and following. You are great! …..Lorette

Mommy Wars…No Cease Fire Near…

Mommy Wars …No Cease Fire Near!

April 25, 2012 by lorettelavine | Edit

Mommy wars...very much in the news.

I have never really dwelled much on the external and internal ‘mommy wars’ that most of us moms experience daily.

Though lately, these ongoing cold wars have been hard to ignore.

In the past couple of weeks SAHM(stay at home moms) were criticized when Mitt Romney‘s wife came under fire for being a SAH privileged mother who could not relate to working moms, who were in the workforce because they had bills which they could not pay if they did not work.

SAHM are accused of not working…or at least not balancing a job outside the home. Working mothers are seen as more fiscally aware. It is women against women in this seemingly never ending battle.

This is not the only ongoing ‘mommy war’.

There are several other mommy wars being waged… the breastfeeding moms vs. the formula feeding moms…the attached moms vs. the not so attached moms…the cry it out sleep training moms v.s the co-sleeping moms …women against women.

If these wars aren’t enough, now there is a book on the real and virtual shelves examining another woman’s war.

It is the internal war that moms face in the age of too much information and the pressure bombarded upon themselves from all that information.

It seems moms are warring with each other trying to be  ”natural” mothers …cloth diapers, elimination communication, breast-feeding until their child is in school and so on. These moms seem to be warring within themselves as well… the natural mom vs. the feminist mom.

” If we absorb a message that to breastfeed on demand, to protect one’s children from all dubious chemical exposures, and to take on full responsibility for their physical and psychological health at all times are crucial to our children’s well-being, then does that message also push women away from the work force, and back into the realm of home and family?

Motherlode Book Club: Elisabeth Badinters The Conflict. Has Motherhood Replaced Sexism in Oppressing Women? – NYTimes.com.

It is the war to end all wars, the one ‘to have everything and do everything not just well but perfectly well’.

Elisabeth Badinter’s book, “The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women,” is guaranteed to feed that fire. Not only does she believe that the best course of action for any woman, no matter what her maternal status, is to stay in the work force, but she also argues that the women who have chosen to do otherwise have essentially been sold a bill of goods.Influenced and deceived by the modern natural-parenting movement — with its labor-intensive breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and requirement that infants be properly stimulated and nurtured at all times — mothers “choose” to stay home because if they do not, they cannot meet the standards of this new ideal.

via Motherlode Book Club: Elisabeth Badinters The Conflict. Has Motherhood Replaced Sexism in Oppressing Women? – NYTimes.com.

One of the worst failures of feminism has been its tendency to alienate men. Ms. Badinter sees men as the victors and women as the victims of this trend, but women are the perpetrators and both mothers and fathers are losers.

via Book Review: The Conflict – WSJ.com.

Are we mothers and women so conflicted about our roles that we are victims of our own internal war?

Are we being undermined by Modern Motherhood?

I am one of those  women who tried to have it all…I thought as a nurse I would be able to accomplish this because I would always be employable. For numerous reasons that was the case … due to relocating three times, caring for my own family…caring for my elderly mother, and caring for my own health needs. Reasons beyond my control took me out of the workforce on and off for the last thirty years.

I was also not a warrior feminist. I fully supported women’s rights but not to the point of alienating men.

I worked primarily with physicians, who were mostly men in the early 70′s. In fact I married one, whom I met in the workplace. It was a different world at that time inNYC.

Fortunately, back in my day…in the NYC academic hospital settings nurses and doctors were encouraged to work in a collegial atmosphere so it was not necessary, at least in my eyes, to draw territorial lines and assert myself as a feminist. It was simple…I needed to be the best professional nurse I could be and respect in the workplace followed.

Now I know this was not the case for most other women in the workplace at that time…I did not have to look far to find women who were suffering. My mother was a single parent and never experienced equality in the workplace…which was one of the deciding factors in my decision to become a Bachelor’s degree prepared nurse at a time when they were few and far between.

I was very young…our country was at war (Vietnam) and there were anti-war protests everywhere…it was a time when you had to pick your battles.

Today the ‘mommy wars’ disturb me immensely because I see women fighting among themselves and thus weakening what could be a very strong alliance. I guess I am older and hopefully somewhat wiser.

Can we as women accept other women’s choices as just that and focus on the real issues at hand?

Wouldn’t a change in our attitudes serve our children just as well and enable us all to be ‘natural moms’ and feminists in one way or another?

Just some thoughts…

Week in Review…Parenting in the Loop

Interesting reads of my week….enjoy.

I love taking pictures of all kinds of things…my favorite subjects are people especially babies. Babies are beautiful and photographing them with a telephoto lens can really capture some wonderful ‘shots’ without disturbing their moment. Here are some tips on photographing those tiny baby hands and feet….nothing cuter!

It’s an adorable way to share something precious and personal with your friends, family, and followers, especially if you haven’t published photos of your lil one’s face yet. Here are a few tips on getting a great shot of those tiny feet and hands to share on social media.

I don’t think I’m ready for finger pointing, and I’m starting to wonder — is sibling rivalry unavoidable? Are brothers destined to bicker with, resent, blame, ignore, irritate or annoy each other? Is fighting just part of the deal? Could it be that even having kids 12 years apart might not be enough to save us?

Remember the party hostess who warned me to not be sidelined by non-issues? Well she’s got to be feeling smug this week. You can’t listen to a newscast or read an item without an explosion of the Red versus Blue Mommy Wars.